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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26087650">what could have been</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazypulp/pseuds/hazypulp'>hazypulp</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>LOONA (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Best Friends, F/F, Longing, Strangers, chuulip - Freeform, cowardice, side chuuves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:15:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,968</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26087650</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazypulp/pseuds/hazypulp</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>If someone told Jungeun back then that she would be having a conversation with her best friend— whom she hasn’t talked to in years— in the park at one in the morning, she would have laughed so hard at that ridiculous idea.</p><p>And yet, here they are now.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Jiwoo | Chuu/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what could have been</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I just had to write this for my peace of mind.</p><p>I hope you enjoy this one.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Jungeun?”</p><p>A soft voice from behind her breaks the comfortable silence that surrounds Jungeun, and hearing that makes her heart race for two reasons:</p><p>First, she did not expect to hear someone speak right now considering she’s the only person in the park, well before this person arrived. <em>Who goes to the park at one in the morning?</em></p><p>Second, she knows that voice. She knows it <em>too well</em>, even though she hasn’t heard it a long time.</p><p>Jungeun inhales deeply and gathers all her strength before looking over her shoulder to see the person she misses the most.</p><p>“Jiwoo”</p><p>It’s been so long since she uttered that name, and she just feels so happy to be able to say it again.</p><p>Jungeun sees the look of shock on Jiwoo’s face, like she really wasn’t expecting to see her again. And Jungeun feels the same. She didn’t expect to see her <em>this soon.</em></p><p>The shocked face has been replaced by a smiley face, it’s small but genuine. It’s one of Jungeun’s favorite things in the world and Jiwoo’s smile brings back so many happy memories. Jungeun feels her hands shake.</p><p>Jiwoo walks closer to her and Jungeun’s heart starts to beat faster than before. Finally, Jiwoo stops beside her.</p><p>“Can I have a seat?”</p><p>“Of course”</p><p>Jiwoo sits quietly beside her. Not too far, but also not too close. There’s enough space between them, but Jungeun feels like Jiwoo is still out of reach. The atmosphere between them doesn’t feel too awkward, but it’s kind of heavy. There’s an unspoken tension. And there really is. </p><p>Jungeun stares at the big old tree in front of them. The same old tree that has KJ2GETHER engraved on it, which they did when they were ten.</p><p>She has a lot of things she wanted to say, she even practiced her words countless of times before coming back. But her thoughts suddenly feel empty, because clearly, this wasn’t the reunion she had in mind.</p><p>She can see in her peripheral view that Jiwoo is staring at her, and she feels flustered each passing second. Jungeun squeezes her fist before finally having the courage to look at Jiwoo up close.</p><p>“Hi” Jungeun smiles. She studies Jiwoo’s face. She’s still beautiful, still smiley, same old Jiwoo. But Jungeun can see that she has matured.</p><p>“It’s really you” Jiwoo states in a soft voice. “You’re really back”</p><p>Seeing and hearing her voice again makes Jungeun’s heart ache. She missed it so much. </p><p>Jiwoo must not have expected to see Jungeun ever again in her life. And Jungeun understands why she feels that way. But seeing Jiwoo react this way still cracks her heart open. Jungeun must have messed up so badly.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s me” Jungeun lets out a small laugh. Her emotions are out of the place. She doesn’t think she’s going to survive this talk.</p><p>“What are you doing here? It’s pretty late.” Jiwoo asks.</p><p>“I couldn’t sleep, still kind of jet-lagged. So I decided to go for a walk”</p><p>“It’s kind of weird, you know” Jiwoo speaks, and Jungeun listens carefully. “cause I was about to go to sleep earlier, but I couldn’t, and then this park suddenly crossed my mind so I came here. I didn’t really expect to see anyone. But I found you here, so that must be a sign”</p><p>“You and your random thoughts” Jungeun tries to make the atmosphere lighter. </p><p>Jiwoo laughs at her answer, then turns her head to the tree in front of them. Their tree. Jungeun wonders if she still remembers the fun things they used to do in this park.</p><p>Jungeun hears Jiwoo take a deep breath, then she suddenly speaks. “I missed you”</p><p>Jungeun freezes for a moment. She didn’t expect that. She thought Jiwoo would say all negative words in the dictionary to her once they see each other again, because honestly it’s what Jungeun deserves.</p><p>Nothing prepared her for that statement.</p><p>She spares a quick glance at Jiwoo and she sees her peacefully staring at the tree, like she didn’t just drop a bomb to Jungeun. She follows Jiwoo’s gaze, thankful that they don’t have to face each other while talking. God knows Jungeun wouldn’t be able to form coherent words if she looked at her.</p><p>Jungeun has to calm herself down. She suddenly feels like crying. </p><p>“I missed you too.”</p><p>
  <em>So much. More than you’ll ever know.</em>
</p><p>She wants to add that, but she thinks she doesn’t have the right to say that anymore. Not when she’s the one who caused them to be like this— like strangers again.</p><p>“I’m glad to hear that,” Jiwoo replies with a laugh. Jungeun missed that sound so much.  “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in a long time.”</p><p>Five years.</p><p>They haven’t seen each other for five years. </p><p>Their connection ended the day Jungeun left the country— left Jiwoo without a single word. During those five years, Jungeun lived a new life in a new place, locking her memories and secrets deep inside her. But in all those times, she had never felt genuinely happy like she did back when she was with Jiwoo.</p><p>Jungeun gathers her courage to talk, because she feels like her voice would crack anytime soon. </p><p>“I’ve been good, though life has been hard with all the adult stuff, especially with work. Life in fashion designing can be pretty crazy”</p><p>“You pursued fashion design?” Jiwoo turns her head to ask her, and Jungeun nods. “Wow, that’s great! You’ve always wanted to be one since we were younger. Good to know there’s still a hint of old Jungeun out there” Jiwoo chuckles.</p><p>Jungeun knows she didn’t mean that in a bad way, but she can’t help but feel pain upon hearing those words. A lot has changed between them.</p><p>“How about you? How have you been?” Jungeun wonders how Jiwoo has been doing for the past five years. While she was away, she hoped Jiwoo was living her best life, doing things she loves, making friends with a lot of people, and maybe, finding someone who makes her happy.</p><p>The last thought makes Jungeun heart ache.</p><p>She hears Jiwoo take a deep breath. “I’ve been so busy with work. I’m a producer and a song-writer” Now it’s Jungeun’s turn to get surprised.</p><p>“That’s amazing! But I thought you wanted to be an idol?”</p><p>The last time they talked about each other’s dreams, Jiwoo said she wanted to be an idol. Jungeun knows she loves to make music, and she also knows she loves to perform. Jiwoo could easily pass as an idol, she has an amazing voice and personality. </p><p>“I wanted to be one, yeah. But as I grew older, I realized it’s not easy and there’s so much at stake. Life as an idol is so messy and I don’t want that. So I chose to study music production. I don’t have regrets though, I’m happy with what I’m doing.”</p><p>Jungeun sees the sincerity in Jiwoo’s eyes.</p><p>“You know, I wrote a song about you” Jiwoo gives a small smile, then shifts her gaze back to the tree in front. And Jungeun just stares at her side profile. <em>A song? About her?</em></p><p>She must have stayed quiet for a long time, because Jiwoo continues talking. “It’s called twilight, I wrote it three years ago.” <em>She wrote a song about me? Even after I left her?</em></p><p>Jungeun really feels like crying right now.</p><p>“I was writing some songs for my friend that time, and she wanted to include twilight on her album. But for some reason, I couldn't seem to let go of that song. It’s too personal and I wanted to keep it to myself. I’ll let you hear it someday.”</p><p>Jungeun removes her gaze and turns her head to the opposite direction, blinking her eyes fast to avoid the tears from falling. Her heart hurts, so much. She should be happy that Jiwoo is thinking of playing the song to her. But deep down, Jungeun knows it won’t happen. Because this might be their last night together.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a long silence between them, and the atmosphere suddenly feels heavy. They know there are a lot of things they need to talk about, and tonight is the only time they have left to discuss everything.</p><p>“We were never <em>just</em> friends, right?” Jiwoo speaks first. “There was something more between us. Tell me I wasn’t the only one who felt that.”</p><p>Jiwoo’s voice sounds heavier with each word, and the pain in Jungeun’s heart intensifies. They are both staring at the tree in front of them. Avoiding each other’s gaze. </p><p>Jungeun thinks it’s time to open up. Jiwoo deserves to know what she really felt. </p><p>“You weren’t the only one.”</p><p>Jiwoo inhales, while Jungeun feels her hands shake. This is a long-overdue confession.</p><p>“I was about to confess to you before, you know? I was planning to do that on your birthday. We planned to go to the beach together, remember? And I thought, maybe it would be a great idea to tell you there.”</p>
<hr/><p>Jungeun knew about Jiwoo’s feelings. She knew Jiwoo loved her in a way more than a friend should love a friend. </p><p>She heard her talking about her plans to their friend, Heejin, inside the comfort room. Jungeun was inside the cubicle when that happened, and it left her speechless and frozen.  </p><p>
  <em>This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jiwoo shouldn’t be feeling this way, especially not to me. This isn’t right.</em>
</p><p>After that, Jungeun didn’t walk home with Jiwoo. She ran, locked herself in her room, then cried. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She panicked and her anxiety kicked in. All she knew was that none of them should be feeling that way. They’re both girls for crying out loud! And they’ve been best friends for as long as they can remember. They’re practically sisters. It’s just <em>so wrong.</em></p><p>The day after that, Jungeun’s mom told her that they had to go to LA because her grandma suddenly got sick and no one else was there to take care of her. So Jungeun agreed to go in an instant, without second thoughts. No Jiwoo in mind.</p><p>She needed space, and the opportunity was right there. So she took it. She left just a day before her birthday, without saying goodbye to her friends, especially to Jiwoo.</p><p>It took Jungeun years to accept everything. She knows there was something different, but she was a coward. She wasn’t ready to face the cruelty of the world so she ran and hid. She kept the truth locked inside her and continued to put an act. But as she grew older, the feeling got harder to ignore. It consumed her, begging for her to open her eyes. So she finally did, and her heart felt so much lighter.</p><p>And now that she has come in terms with herself, she wanted to make amends. That’s why she decided to come back. Hoping that maybe, <em>just maybe</em>, Jiwoo would accept her again, as a friend or more.</p>
<hr/><p>“Why did you leave?” Jiwoo asks in a soft voice. There’s no anger in her question, just pure curiosity.</p><p>“I was scared. Of everything” </p><p>“I was too.” Jiwoo inhales deeply. “But I was willing to take risks”</p><p>You see, that’s one thing seventeen-year-old Jungeun couldn’t do. They were too young, and she was too scared.</p><p>“I waited for you. A few days, then weeks, then months, even years. Everyday, I hoped a miracle would happen, that I would see you again. But nothing changed.”</p><p>Jungeun goes silent. She knows Jiwoo needs to release her thoughts and frustration, so she lets her. Even though it’s painful to hear.</p><p>“It came to a point where I hated you. Because honestly, I don't know what I did wrong for you to leave me without saying anything. I started to think that everything we had wasn’t genuine.”</p><p>Jungeun feels like her heart has been stabbed. And a tear finally escapes her eye.</p><p>“But as time passed by, that feeling vanished. I couldn’t hate you for too long. And that was wrong of me to doubt you and our friendship. I realized that maybe you were going through a hard time. Something that only you can solve. I know you had your reasons. So I started to view things in that perspective, and it really helped me accept and move on.”</p><p>The tears in Jungeun’s eyes keep falling. She couldn’t hold it back anymore. All the emotions she kept for so long just started pouring.</p><p>“I’m sorry” Jungeun whispers. There are a lot of things she should apologize for. She ruined the years of friendship they built together, and she broke Jiwoo’s heart.  “I’m really sorry, Jiwoo.”</p><p>Jungeun feels Jiwoo’s hand touch hers, rubbing her thumb over the back of her palm. And somehow, it makes her calm.</p><p>“It’s okay. I’ve forgiven you a long time ago.”</p><p>Jiwoo is too kind, too understanding. Jungeun doesn’t deserve any of that.  </p><p>“I’m sorry for leaving, for running away. I… I should have stayed”</p><p>“I understand, and it’s really okay. You needed space to grow and find yourself. I couldn’t hate you for that”</p><p>For the first time that night, Jungeun looks at Jiwoo’s eyes. She doesn’t see any hint of anger or hatred. All she sees is adoration, and it’s enough to warm her heart. She’s glad to have her with her right now. Her best friend.</p><p>The sound of a notification startles both of them. They remove their hands and check their phones at the same time. Jungeun doesn’t see any messages, so that must be Jiwoo’s phone.</p><p>While she’s typing, Jungeun takes the time to collect herself. She wipes her tears and takes deep breaths then adjusts her jacket. The night is getting colder.</p><p>“Sorry, that was my girlfriend. She woke up from her sleep, looking for me”</p><p>The statement doesn’t shock Jungeun. In fact, she already expected Jiwoo to be in a relationship. She wasn’t expecting Jiwoo to wait for her. Not after everything she had done. And Jiwoo deserves to be with someone who makes her happy.  </p><p>But just because she expected it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. </p><p>“Ohh little ol’ Jiwoo finally has a girlfriend” Jungeun nudges her shoulder, “What’s her name?”</p><p>Jiwoo grins, “her name is Sooyoung.”</p><p>“Is she good to you? Do I have to give her <em>the </em>talk?”</p><p>Jiwoo laughs. “Yes, she’s great. And no, you don’t have to do that”</p><p>“Tell me more about her” Jungeun is a masochist, but she just wants to talk more. Because this might be their last chance.</p><p>“Sooyoung… she’s just so amazing. She takes care of me so well, and makes me so happy. She helped me during my hardest time, and she’s just always there for me.  And I'm just so thankful to have her. I really couldn’t ask for more.”</p><p>Jungeun never misses the way Jiwoo’s eyes soften, and the way her lips curl into a cute smile. It’s the look of someone who's madly in love. </p><p>She can’t help but wonder if Jiwoo would have talked about her like that if she didn’t mess things up. </p><p>“I’m happy for you two, really.” And that’s the truth. She’s glad Jiwoo has found someone who brings her joy.</p><p>“Thank you” Jiwoo smiles, then proceeds to ruin her hair. “Now, it’s your turn to talk”</p><p>“There’s nothing to talk about. My lovelife is not interesting.”</p><p>“You’re lying.”</p><p>“Fine, I went on a few dates, but that’s just it. No official relationship” Jungeun couldn't find it in her to commit to someone. Not when she has a troubled heart.</p><p>“It’s okay. I know there's someone out there waiting for you, and you guys will live a life full of love.”  </p><p>
  <em>It could have been us. </em>
</p><p>“Okay, Shakespeare”</p><p>They both laugh.</p><p>Jungeun feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulder, and even though her heart hurts, it somehow feels lighter.</p><p>They know they both needed this talk. Jiwoo needed her answers, and Jungeun needed her forgiveness. And after this, they can now move forward with their lives, especially Jungeun.</p><p>“I think it’s time to head back. It’s getting really late, and we’re gonna freeze to death if we say longer” Jiwoo says, pulling the zipper of her jacket up to her neck. She stands up first, then moves to face Jungeun, offering her hand.</p><p>Jungeun takes it without hesitation, and Jiwoo pulls her up.</p><p>“Your hands are freezing”</p><p>“Well, yours too”</p><p>They stay still for a while, facing each other. Jungeun thinks their final moment has come.</p><p>“A hug?” Jiwoo says cutely, opening her arm so wide for Jungeun. And Jungeun feels like crying again. She’s been wanting to hug her for so long. So she goes for it. She wraps her hands around Jiwoo’s waist and hugs her tight. Like she’s holding on for dear life. And she’s glad that Jiwoo is hugging her the same way.</p><p>“Good night, Jungie. It’s really good to see you again.”</p><p>Those words make Jungeun’s heart hurt more than before. There’s so much sincerity in Jiwoo’s voice. </p><p>“Good night, Jiwooming. It’s good to see you too.”</p><p>Jungeun gives a final tap on Jiwoo’s back before letting her go — literally and metaphorically.</p><p>“I’ll see you around, yeah?”</p><p>“See you when I see you”</p><p>Jiwoo gives a final squeeze on her cheek before turning around and walking away. Jungeun does the same thing. They both go their separate ways.</p><p>This time, Jungeun allows her tears to fall freely. No more holding back. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe in another life — where Jungeun is brave enough to fight for their love — they would have lived happily together.</p><p>But right now, in this life, she has to accept the fact that their story is over. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thoughts? :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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